I used to think avoiding conflict made me a “nice leader.”

I used to think avoiding conflict made me a “nice leader.”

Turns out it just made me an ineffective one.

A few years ago, I took a new leadership role and uprooted my family to chase it.

I had big dreams. Big energy.

And almost immediately, I ran into a wall of conflict.

The team I inherited was fractured.

Some with bruised egos.

Others, not clear on expectations.

Undercurrents of resentment I didn’t see coming.

At first, I did what polite managers do:

• Smoothed things over

• Dodged hard conversations

• Pretended time would fix it

Spoiler: it didn’t.

Small issues festered. Mistrust grew.

People started checking out; quietly at first, then all at once.

I thought, “If I push too hard, I’ll lose them.”

What I didn’t realize was:

By not pushing, I was losing them anyway.

As it turns out, conflict doesn’t solve itself.

It either gets handled, or it handles you.

The Stats:

Managers spend 20% of their time dealing with conflict.

That’s one full day a week.

If you think you’re the exception, you’re not.

4-Types of Workplace Conflict:

Workplace conflict isn’t complicated.

It’s usually one (or more) of these:

• Task: We don’t agree on the goal.

• Process: We don’t agree on how.

• Status: We don’t agree on who’s in charge.

• Relationship: We don’t agree on each other.

9 Brutal (But Useful) Lessons:

Conflict doesn’t kill trust.

Avoiding conflict does.

These 9 lessons can help crush conflict avoidance:

1. Know your style.
   Are you an: Avoider? Fighter? Get honest about it.

2. Diagnose the real issue.
   Are we dealing with: Task, process, status, or personal?

3. Pick your move.
   Address it, ignore it (rarely works), or walk away.

4. Conflict is a skill.
   Learn it or get steamrolled.

5. Ask, don’t assume.
   Curiosity saves conversations.

6. Respect > likability.
   Full stop.

7. Manage up and down with a spine.
   No scapegoating.

8. Coach first.
   Don’t fix, coach.

9. Transparency ≠ gossip.
   Share context, not complaints.

My Moment of Reckoning:

There were two team members who absolutely could not stand each other.

I ignored it for months.

At one point, during a meeting, I watched them rip into each other, in front of the team, and I froze.

• I should’ve stepped in.

• I should’ve shut it down.

• I didn’t.

Later that day, sitting in my office alone, I realized something:

I wasn’t avoiding conflict to protect the team.

I was avoiding it to protect myself.

I didn’t want to be uncomfortable.

I didn’t want to be the “bad guy.”

I wanted to be liked more than I wanted to lead.

That realization changed everything.

I didn’t get tougher overnight.

But I started getting real.

• One conversation at a time.

• One boundary at a time.

• One hard truth at a time.

Avoiding conflict doesn’t make you a nice leader.

If you’re avoiding conflict to protect harmony, you’re not protecting anything.

You’re just postponing the inevitable.

If you’re stuck in tension, start here:

• Name the real problem.

• Choose how you’ll address it.

• Step into it, before it steps all over you.